The Harsh Startup Couples Face

Dr. John Gottman says, “The way a discussion starts is the way it will end.” His research shows that 96% of the time, the first few minutes of a conversation predict how it will go. When a talk begins with blame, criticism, or sarcasm, a harsh startup, it almost always ends negatively.

A harsh startup might sound like:

• “You never listen.”

• “Why do I have to do everything?”

• “Here we go again…”

These openers escalate defensiveness instead of understanding. When you notice this happening, pause and reset with a soft startup: speaking gently, focusing on your own feelings, and expressing what you need.

A soft startup invites connection instead of conflict. As Gottman says, “Kindness doesn’t mean you don’t express anger, it means you do so without attacking.”

Closures and Endings

Closure means finding a healthy way to finish something: a relationship, an experience, or chapter of life, so you can return back to the present. Without closure, part of us stays stuck in the past. We may hold on to feelings or questions that were never resolved.

Closure helps us reconcile, “This mattered. I’ve learned from it, and now I can move forward.” It’s not always easy, endings can bring up sadness, anger, or guilt, but facing those feelings allows healing. Even if the other person isn’t available, you can still find closure by journaling, writing an unsent letter, creating art, or talking about it in therapy.

Endings can be uncomfortable, so we often avoid them. We might leave without saying goodbye, hold on too long, or cut things off too quickly. Sometimes we hide behind humor, caretaking, or distract ourselves with busyness and substances. These habits protect us from short term pain but can keep us stuck in the past.

Remember that beginnings and endings are both natural parts of life. Take time to notice what feels true before saying goodbye, and speak from the heart when you can. If that’s not possible, find another way to express your feelings, through journaling, talking, or creating art, so you can let go and move forward.

When We React to Each Other’s Pain

Sometimes opposing groups, people, or even two parts of our own self get stuck in a loop. Each side may feel misunderstood, wronged, even hurt and every reaction stirs a counter reaction. It’s like two alarms screaming at the same time. These ‘us verse them’ moments often spin us into a four-stage spiral.

It’s Not Right

It’s not right starts from a good place, a desire for fairness or integrity. But when the world doesn’t match our sense of what’s right, that question can turn into frustration or moral exhaustion.

It’s not fair

When our needs and efforts go unnoticed, resentment burrows under the surface. We start comparing. We keep score. We notice inequality, right or wrong. There’s a desire for balance, but resentment closes us off.

It’s your fault

At some point, pain looks for a target. We start pointing fingers. We reason that it’s better to engage than to be a victim. Which there is a truth in that. But the more we assign blame, the less space there is for understanding.

They are evil

When blame hardens, the other becomes less human. We see enemies instead of people. Both sides end up defending themselves, and accusing the other person or group.

Finding a Way Out

The shift begins when we stop asking, who’s right? and start asking, what’s happening between us?
Both sides are trying to protect something: dignity, safety, fairness, love. When we can see that, understanding may to reappear. The alarm quiets down.

Absurdism in Everyday Life

Life can feel confusing, unfair, and meaningless. We look for answers, but the world doesn’t always provide them. And that tension, our desire for meaning at the junction of a silent universe is at the heart of absurdism.

In therapy, especially existential approaches, the goal isn’t to force life into sense or reason. It’s to sit with uncertainty, accept what can’t be controlled, and focus on what we can shape.

This doesn’t have to feel bleak. When we stop waiting for life to hand us meaning, we can discover and create our own through choices, values, and small actions everyday. It’s about embracing the struggle, living authentically, and finding moments of joy even when life feels absurd.

As Albert Camus wrote, “The struggle itself is enough to fill a man’s heart.” Feeling lost or overwhelmed? Therapy can help you face life’s big questions and discover your own path forward.

Empiricism in Everyday Life

When it comes to healing, insight matters, but experience holds importance to change us too. That’s where empiricism comes in. Empiricism the idea that real understanding comes from what we observe and live through.

In therapy, this means paying attention to what’s actually happening: in your thoughts, emotions, and choices. Instead of staying in theory, test things out: try new ways of coping, notice what shifts, and learn from what works.

It’s not guesswork. It’s growth through evidence. Your feelings, actions, and small changes become the data that guide your growth. Therapy, at its heart, is a practice of learning from experience. Real life becomes the lab where real change happens.

Rationalism in Everyday Life

Life is overwhelming at times, especially when our thoughts start to spiral. We start to think things like, ‘I’m not doing enough. I always mess things up’.

Rationalism reminds us to pause and question those thoughts instead of believing them. Is this actually true? What evidence do I have? Do I have to believe everything I think?

In therapy, this approach helps us step back from emotion driven thinking and see situations with more clarity. It doesn’t mean we should ignore our feelings. After all, feelings is just information. But it does mean letting reason and compassion work together.

When we think more clearly, we have a greater opportunity to respond more wisely. Over time, that clarity ripples outward, shaping calmer homes, steadier relationships, and a quieter mind.

Existentialism In Everyday Life

We all hit moments that make us pause. We come to a crossroad that feels empty, a job that’s lost its spark, or a question that won’t go away: What’s the point of all this?

Existentialism isn’t just a philosophy topic, it’s a way of understanding these normative moments. It reminds us that life doesn’t hand out meaning. We create it.

In therapy, that might look like exploring:

• What feels meaningful to you right now

• How to face uncertainty without shutting down

• What kind of life you want to build , not just fall into

It’s not always about having all the answers but learning to live in the questions. As Viktor Frankl wrote, “Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.” When life feels flat or directionless, the work isn’t to fill the silence, it’s to listen to what it’s trying to say. Meaning often begins right in this space.

Stoicism in Everyday Life

Life rarely goes according to plan : a friend cancels last minute, a plan falls apart, someone snaps at you for no reason. Stoicism still feels fresh today. Most importantly, it offers us a reminder that we don’t control what happens. We control how we respond.

Therapy often circles the same truth. It’s not the event itself that causes distress, but the meaning we give it. When we shift our thoughts, our emotions and choices begin to shift too. Practicing Stoicism looks simple but takes constant awareness to pause before reacting, or focus on what’s within reach, or to let go of something.

It’s not about ignoring your feelings. It’s about staying grounded in the midst of them. Marcus Aurelius wrote, “You have power over your mind, not outside events.” That’s the kind of quiet strength that helps us move through life with more peace and purpose.

Five Philosophies to Consider

Philosophy isn’t just for academics or late-night debates; it can be a powerful tool for life’s challenges. When facing challenges turning to foundational ways of thinking can offer grounding perspectives.  These five philosophical approaches may help you better understand yourself, find meaning, and build emotional resilience.

1. Stoicism

 Core idea: You can’t control what happens, you can control how you respond.

 Stoicism teaches to separate what’s within our control from what isn’t.  In therapy, this can be life changing, because you may find a point in time where you learn the lesson to let go of trying to control the uncontrollable. Stoicism encourages emotional discipline by making a choice to engage with emotions differently.

 2. Existentialism

 Core idea: Life doesn’t come with built-in meaning, but you have the freedom to create it.

 Existentialism speaks to the need for purpose. Instead of assuming meaning is something to find, existential thinkers think that you make your own sense of purpose through choice.  It can be powerful in therapy when people are facing grief, major transitions, or identity crises. Even in suffering you have the power to choose your response and discover meaning.

 3. Rationalism

 Core idea: Through reason and reflection, you can discover truth, challenge thoughts and gain insight.

 Rationalism values logic, reasoning, and critical thinking. This approach forms the basis of many modern therapeutic techniques, including cognitive behavioral therapy, which helps clients identify and reframe distorted thoughts.  If you struggle with overthinking, anxiety, or self-critical patterns, rationalism reminds you that not every thought is true. Learning to question and investigate your thinking can be a major step toward clarity.

 4. Empiricism

 Core idea: Knowledge comes from observation, experience, and evidence, not assumptions.

 Empiricism encourages you to learn from what you can see, feel, and experience directly. Instead of trusting beliefs, this philosophy a grounded approach to understanding the world.  In a therapeutic setting, this means tuning into your actual lived experiences rather than getting lost in hypotheticals. It also encourages trying new behaviors and learning from their real-life outcomes.

 5. Absurdism

 Core idea: Life may be inherently meaningless, and you can live fully.

 Absurdism explores the tension between our craving for meaning and the apparent meaninglessness of the universe. Just in living a life you have an opportunity to acknowledge despair, embrace the absurd, and keep living with the unknown.  In therapy, Absurdism offers relief by choosing how to show up despite uncertainty. Freedom is found in courage, playfulness, and presence.

 No One Path

 These five philosophies are frameworks for asking better questions. You don’t need to fully subscribe to any of them. Instead, think of them as tools for perspective, purpose, or peace of mind.  Exploring different ways of thinking can be an empowering part of therapy. It can help you move from confusion to clarity, from overwhelm to ownership of your life.

Live Like It Matters Now

Marcus Aurelius writes, “Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now, take what’s left and live it properly. What doesn’t transmit light creates its own darkness.”

Think of yourself as dead? At first glance, it’s a bit morbid. But consider it again for a moment.

Aurelius is offering a radical kind of freedom, to imagine your life is already over. Including the regrets. The wasted time. The drama. The things you should’ve said or done . Gone. That version of you? Done.

What’s left is a gift. A clean slate. If you choose to see it that way. To go forward, from this point on to live as properly as you possibly can.

Aurelius wasn’t talking about chasing perfection. How would we even begin to define that anyway? It's about finally dropping the weight of the past and showing up fully for yourself, for your day, for your relationships, your values.

And then there’s that haunting line, “What doesn’t transmit light creates its own darkness.” What happens if we choose to not show up? What if we don’t live with purpose? Or if we withhold our love, our truth, our creativity, and joy? We’ll certainly to squander precious time. And we don’t stay neutral. Lastly, we’ll recreate the darkness with shadows.

So here's a question. What if you truly believed your old life was over? What would you stop doing?
What would you finally begin? We don’t need more time. We need more intention.