Dr. John Gottman says, “The way a discussion starts is the way it will end.” His research shows that 96% of the time, the first few minutes of a conversation predict how it will go. When a talk begins with blame, criticism, or sarcasm, a harsh startup, it almost always ends negatively.

A harsh startup might sound like:

“You never listen.”
“Why do I have to do everything?”
“Here we go again…”

These openers escalate defensiveness instead of understanding. When you notice this happening, pause and reset with a soft startup: speaking gently, focusing on your own feelings, and expressing what you need.

A soft startup invites connection instead of conflict. As Gottman says, “Kindness doesn’t mean you don’t express anger, it means you do so without attacking.”