Sometimes opposing groups, people, or even two parts of our own self get stuck in a loop. Each side may feel misunderstood, wronged, even hurt and every reaction stirs a counter reaction. It’s like two alarms screaming at the same time. These ‘us verse them’ moments often spin us into a four-stage spiral.

It’s Not Right

It’s not right starts from a good place, a desire for fairness or integrity. But when the world doesn’t match our sense of what’s right, that question can turn into frustration or moral exhaustion.

It’s not fair

When our needs and efforts go unnoticed, resentment burrows under the surface. We start comparing. We keep score. We notice inequality, right or wrong. There’s a desire for balance, but resentment closes us off.

It’s your fault

At some point, pain looks for a target. We start pointing fingers. We reason that it’s better to engage than to be a victim. Which there is a truth in that. But the more we assign blame, the less space there is for understanding.

They are evil

When blame hardens, the other becomes less human. We see enemies instead of people. Both sides end up defending themselves, and accusing the other person or group.

Finding a Way Out

The shift begins when we stop asking, who’s right? and start asking, what’s happening between us?
Both sides are trying to protect something: dignity, safety, fairness, love. When we can see that, understanding may to reappear. The alarm quiets down.